Hello again? How have you guys been since my last post? I am not sure what my posting schedule will be, but I will get it figured out. If you have not read my first post on foundational reconstruction, I encourage you to go read it. I don’t plan for this to be a series, but we’ll see. In this part two, I want to talk about one of the cracks in my foundation. I used a broken heart shrouded in darkness because it represents, in my opinion, what led to a cut corner in the structuring of my foundation. A misguided search for love.

I did not grow up in an affectionate and loving household. I used to actually think it was weird to tell people you love them, and it made me cringe when people said they loved me. To this date, I still find hugging a little awkward. I once blamed my parents for this, but as I got older; I realized they were only doing what they knew how. As much as I found affection weird and awkward, a part of me searched for it in the most unhealthy ways. From a young age I began to lie to fit in, and the lies got more extravagant. I became a people pleaser and would go to great lengths for people to “love” me. By time I was 15, I sadly lost my virginity in hopes that I would have finally found the love I was so desperately searching for. I’m sure you can guess how that turned out.

The door to sexual immorality and promiscuity was opened in my life at a very young age. I still have yet to pinpoint the exact opening, but I trust God will eventually reveal that to me. As stated before, I so sadly lost my virginity at 15 and continued a life of sexual sin for years. By 17, I was pregnant and facing the realities of motherhood; but that will be a different blog for a different day. For now I want to highlight that while some of this was hidden; for the most part, people knew. When I say people, I mean the people of the church. Instead of teaching me about the sin I was in and leading me to Christ; I was ridiculed, frowned upon, and pushed further and further away from the answer I was desperately looking for; Jesus Christ.

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”

-John 15:13 NKJV

There is absolutely no greater love than the love of Christ. Had I known this, had I realized this in my sinful and desperate search; I believe I would have avoided many unnecessary heartaches and trials. No one embodied the love of Jesus. Instead, they made me feel like Jesus hated me and was disgusted by me. My heart cries for the younger version of myself; wishing she knew the love then that I know now. I could write pages and pages of God’s love. Just sitting here on the floor of my bedroom watching my son joyfully play with his toy cars gives me a tangible example of the love of Christ. Thinking about His love brings me peace, makes me smile and want to cry. Okay, okay. Let me catch myself; this would become a love novel if I kept going.

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39 NKJV

I know that there are so many, like me, that are searching for love. Longing to be truly loved, seen and heard. The problem is, we are not being taught what and who love is. Love is described in First Corinthians 13:4-8; love is Jesus. I searched everywhere for love except the Bible. I encourage you to begin to search the Scriptures for love, and when you do, do not go looking for your definition of love and how you perceive it to be. Too often people search the Bible to fit their narrative and I guarantee you, it never will. Search with an openness to learn and allow the Holy Spirit to minister to you. Also have an understanding that love can look harsh when we don’t have the full picture. What do I mean by this?

Imagine you are walking on a pathway, taking in the beauty of the trees, feeling the gentle touch of the wind on your cheeks, inhaling the crisp autumn smell of wet fallen leaves. (I love Fall if you can’t tell) Someone else is also walking along this same pathway, but this person knows that at a certain time each day lightening strikes in a specific spot. At the time that the lightening is due to strike, you are about to be standing in the exact spot it strikes. The person, with no warning, runs up and pushes you to the ground and out of the way. In your mind, this random crazy person just attacked and hurt you for no reason. In your pain and frustration you lash out at the person; go charging towards them, yelling and maybe even cursing. All the while, the person is trying to explain what just happened and why they did what they did. Things can go one of two ways, maybe three. You either hear the person out and realize that they did what they did out of love for you. You ignore what that person is trying to say and you storm off choosing to hate that person and never get to know them. The third possible option, you get another opportunity to get to know that person and you use it to finally hear them out and have a beautiful friendship with them.

Too often we take that second scenario with Jesus and live our lives hating Him and never understanding who He truly is and just how much He loves us. Something happens in our lives and we blame God, instead of going to Him and asking Him for understanding in the situation. Jesus loves you so much, that if you come to Him for understanding; and I mean truly approach him as a child seeking answers, He will comfort you and eventually give you understanding.

If you have rejected God’s love due to some unfortunate circumstance or because you equated His love to someone claiming to be a Christian, I challenge you today to give Him another chance. Before you read the Bible, ask Him to remove all blindness from your mind and all hardness from your heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you through the Scripture and allow you to see who Jesus is. The book of John is a great book to read to get to know Christ if I might add. I want everyone to experience and accept the love of Jesus Christ and it saddens me to know that many will continually choose to reject Him.

So, if you are like me; searching for love through sex, people pleasing, becoming someone you are not. I want you to know that you will never find love that way, you will continually be hurt over and over. You will be let down every time. Your foundation will just keep getting patched up with sand that will soon blow away over and over again. Don’t stop your search, just begin your search in a new direction. Begin your search in Christ and by reading His Word; the Bible. I pray that this has helped you in some way and I promise I will eventually get better at writing and conveying my thoughts in these blogs.

You are loved, even if you are living in sin as you are reading this; know that Jesus loves you so much that His mercy is still giving you time to turn away from your sinful lifestyle and commit yourself to Him. Stop looking for a reason to rebel or thinking there is safety in your ignorance. Just stop, look over your life, and take a moment to see if it aligns with the Word of Jesus Christ. If it does not, allow the Holy Spirit to begin to convict you and allow the love of Jesus Christ to touch every part of your life. I promise you, you will finally have found what you are so desperately searching for.

Until next time lovely people, and remember, Jesus loves you soooooooo much!