Today, I want to take a detour from my foundational reconstruction posts. Something that has been weighing on me lately is the fact that I am pretty much starting over in my 30’s. Like many, I used to believe that by 30 I would be married with children, well established in my career and who I am, and living life to the fullest. So far, I only have the children part of that dream. This starting over process has been hard, humbling, and quite the emotional roller coaster. Starting over will look different for everyone, I just want to share my process in hopes it helps someone else.

The hardest part of starting over for me is the career and identity part. I am not sure about other parts of the world, but in United States, you are defined by what you do. Most of the time when you meet someone it goes something like, “Hi, my name is Tyler Burkin and I’m an engineer. What about you?”. The interaction may not go exactly like that, but careers always come up. I know as a follower of Jesus Christ, we are not defined by worldly things, but it is a hard conditioning to break free from. At least for me. I do not know what God has put me here to do besides spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I cannot even begin to think of what it is I would want to do. I’ve had multiple jobs, some okay, some awful; but I have never figured out what it is I truly want to do. Well let me revise that statement, I know what I truly want to do, but I do not know what I want to do that would generate an income.

What do I truly want to do? I want to live on a small farm and homeschool my children. I don’t want to necessarily be a stay-at-home wife; I want to generate my own income somehow, but I do want to stay home. Hope that makes sense. I know some of you are thinking this is totally possible and women do it all the time. I have thought the same thing and still have a hard time figuring out how to achieve this. I considered becoming a social media influencer, but I am not a fan of social media, nor do I want my life to be someone’s entertainment. So this leaves me with what else could I do? Currently I am working a not so great job and looking for a second one so I can start digging myself from under this mountain of debt. It saddens me to have to take on a second job, but if I want to one day own a farm and be debt free, I have to do something.

Quick side bar: My plan was to post every other week day. This post was supposed to go live last Friday. Between life, work, and the sensitivity of this post; I have had a hard time writing it. So, my schedule will be behind. I did not realize that facing the realities of being in my 30’s and feeling so much like a failure would really get to me.

I know some may be reading this wishing they could go back to their 30’s. That’s great and all, but it does not help or change my current situation and how I feel about it. I have, and still, try to think positively and lean on God for help and direction in this season. But, this flesh sure has a way of getting to you. Not just the flesh, but the vicious battlefield in my mind. That’s what it really is, isn’t it? The battle of the mind. That is where the devil does some of his best work. I know that I have it better than some. I know that things could always be worse. But knowing these things does not make me also not know that I am not happy with where I am currently. Please don’t think I’m throwing myself a pity party or wanting you to feel bad for me. I am simply trying to put in words how I feel in hopes it makes someone else see that they are not alone.

Things are going to get better. This I know. I just wish I knew the how and when. Then again, don’t we all? If I knew the how and when, there would be no need for faith and I know that God operates in faith and faith only. Without faith we cannot please Him. If we doubt, He is sure not to do what it is we are asking of Him. Don’t believe me? Read that Bible and get back to me. Part of my problem is comparison. I have it bad, and it is a reason I do not use social media. I get on YouTube and Pinterest from time to time, but that’s it. I can admit that I am not secure enough in who I am to watch others seem happier or more put together than me even though I know it may all be fake and just for social media.

Since I am having so much trouble with this post. I am going to end it here for now. I will still talk about what it’s like for me starting over in my 30’s, I guess another series. This is going on day 4 that I am just not able to get through writing this without falling in this pit of despair that seems to be getting harder to get out of.

So, until next time, please know that Jesus loves you and if you are where I am, we will get out of this.